Special Provisions in Idiocy

Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling, jing-jing-jing-a-loo! Oh Christmas time, it's my favorite time of year for oh so many reasons. The lights, the gifts, the snow, and the controversy! Nothing says 'Merry Christmas' quite like a card with birds on it and Kpop scandals! It's just been a shit year for Korea's music industry, filled with scandals, crap music, and death. At the center seems to be SM Entertainment (my personal fav.). First it was DBSK, where three of the members grew a brain and demanded to be released from their contracts. Then it was Kangin from Super Junior getting into a bar fight and then driving drunk. And now it's Hankyung, the Chinese member of Super Junior. He is basically claiming the same ignorance as the three members of DBSK, arguing his contract is extremely unfair and that SM Entertainment is a slave worker. Well, uh duh. I remember writing about this before and how we all knew the inner workings of SM Entertainment back in the late 90s with H.O.T., SES, and Shinhwa. All I have to say is this: you knew what you were getting yourself into when you signed the contract. And if you didn't, that's your own fault. Too many people in the world want to be famous and an entertainer, and once they are, they think they are somehow superior and better than the rest of us lowly peons. The problem is, just because you become famous doesn't necessarily make you any smarter, especially not any smarter than me. If I, a lowly 25 year old American boy can figure out that the contracts of most the Korean entertainment industry are unfair and should be retooled, then what does that say about those actually signing the contract?

You know, I love the Korean singer Ivy. I love her not because she is sexy, even though she is, or she makes fun music, because she does. I love her because she speaks her mind. She told a room full of students from her alma mater that if you can't sing, don't become a singer, because it's just wasted space. How right she is. Dreams of making it big should really only apply to those with talent to make it big. Now yes, this would negate about 85% of the Korean music industry, 75% of the Japanese music industry, and roughly 50% of the American music industry, but let's face it kids, sometimes you just have to say enough's enough. Now I wouldn't particularly care so much if people without talent ran around and were famous and whatnot, but when things like this happen that's when I just want to be like 'dude, the Wizard can only give you so much of a brain; you need something to start from first.' Hankyung was apparently only 17 when he signed the contract, and there are many more out there signing contracts at much younger ages than 17 (oh Shinee, I love you). Korea's mommy problem strikes again, as not only do parents not really do actual parenting, but now they are allowing their children to just sign their lives away for 13 +years without second thought. "Hello? Social Services? Yes, I'd like to report a case of child slavery."

Honestly, Hankyung should grow a pair, admit he was a dumbass, and pay his time. Think of it like prison for the dumb. If you are dumb enough to sign the contract in the first place (or have parents who are that dumb), then you are subjected to 13 years of hard labor as a Korean entertainer. I rather not quote John Mayer again, but seriously, people need to wise up, and parents especially need to stop signing these contracts. I feel like Korean schools need to offer a new class is the Korean Entertainment Industry so that the kids won't just blindly sign their futures away. All in all, though, Hankyung isn't even Korean, he has no Korean citizenship, and so really he could just be all 'I quit' and move back to China and let that be that. Why he is dragging this through mud and courts is beyond me.

One Flew Over the... My Mother is a Fish

I remember growing up, I had a mommy and a daddy who told me I couldn't watch MTV, I wasn't allowed to look at porn, and I had to do my homework and eat my vegetables. In other words, I had parents who did some normal parenting. Of course I would rebel from time to time (they didn't know about the porn or MTV), but for the most part it was understood that they were my parents and I had to listen to them, or else. Obviously, not everyone has parents who care, let alone two parents who do some parenting, but it's ultimately no one's fault but the parents. They are the ones charged with the rather simple dictum of: "If you forget the condom then you are responsible for the consequences". Pretty simple, right? Well, in the age of high-tech innovation, new media, and rather divergent forms of entertainment, I suppose parenting has gotten tough.

Recently, my beloved G-Dragon (Korean pop idol) has been in some hot water along with his company YG Entertainment. At first it was simply his album that the Korean government had trouble with, alluding to sex and violence, and thus have given the album a rating of, essentially, 'R', meaning no one under the age of 19 is permitted to buy the album. As a quick, but much needed, side note, I find it rather absurd and dictatorial that the Korean government finds it necessary to black list, in essence, things that simply allude to sex and violence. Hell, they did that with the DBSK song 'Mirotic' because they thought things such as 'red ocean' and 'crystal' referred to sexual fluids. It's like Hollywood all over again and the black lists against Communist films. Or just a bunch of old Korean men who want to make everyone else's life miserable because that's where they find joy. Anyway, back to G-Dragon. The guy recently had himself a little shindig, a concert if you will, sold out, couple hundred thousand seats and tickets, and put on quite a show. But the Korean government is claiming that he put on too much of a show, complete with a bed, heavy breathing, and a performance of some of those more 'controversial' songs that the Korean government claimed to be inappropriate for those under the age of 19. The government claims that because the concert rating was for individuals 12 and up that the material would match that rating. But according to the government, it was a gross miscalculation on YG Entertainment's part. Therefore, G-Dragon and YG are under criminal investigation.

I remember the big debate over rap music being too 'in your face' with the sex and violence, same with movies, television, and video games. People blamed Marilyn Manson for school shootings, they blamed video games for their graphic images, television for being too sexualized, and movies for rolling that all into one 2 hour feature. But ultimately, the debate boiled down to one sweeping fact: children are not raised by Marilyn Manson, video games, television, and movies; they are raised by parents. And if they aren't, then it's the parent's fault. There is no one to blame but the parents for being irresponsible twats. The problem was actually quite simple: why does the state need to control a person's life to the extent of censoring media because parents suck? Regardless, the music, movies and television that includes said graphic images and themes are not aimed towards children, but those older.

I smell similarity. The Korean government has seemed to bypass the entire notion of ' a parent' and has decided that the state shall be both the tender love of the mother and the iron fist of the father. They shall set standards by which children should live by, indoctrinate them into thinking the same thing, and simply black list and arrest all those that don't fall in line. Uh, can we say Park Chung Hee? You know, everyone always tells me, "Tim, you are way too harsh on the Korean government and always think they are like Park Chung Hee." Well, like my Aunt Sissy always told me, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and acts like a duck, then chances are, it's a Korean dictator. Korea has such an extremist attitude when it comes to anything. If people aren't happy, they create an uproar and create a massive protest for months because of something rather small. Or they bash people online. Or they boycott. On the other end of the spectrum you have the government, who is either the cause of all this or simply reacting to it. It truly is a case of the chicken and the egg paradox, even though scientists have dismissed this and have given a definitive answer. Regardless, though, the current case of poor G-Dragon, and really all of the entertainment industry and media industry, stuck in the middle is quite sad and pitiful, as it simply points to the lack of parenting, and I mean real, honest, loving parenting, on Korea's part. Sure, mothers want their children to go to the best schools and study hard, but is that really parenting? Sounds more like restriction of creativity and indoctrinated bullshit to me. Real parenting is saying, "No, Soyoung, you can't go to G-Dragon's concert because you are only 15 and his album has been rated for those 19 and older." What kind of parents allow their kids to go to these concerts? I mean, are they just that dumb? Are they ignorant enough to think 'well, yeah he is just going to bounce around on stage in a bunny costume'?

I've always said that Korea has a serious mommy problem, and this only elucidates that problem even further. The problem is not with G-Dragon or the industry, the problem is again rather simple: Korean parents need to do some honest-to-god parenting, and if their kids fuck up or don't listen, it's the parent's fault, not G-Dragon's. The boy is just trying to make music; the parent's need to step up and say 'that's not appropriate for my son and/or daughter and therefore he/she is not allowed to listen/partake in it'. Then it is up to the parent to enforce it. The Korean government, in the same stride, needs to get their junk out of everyone's business. Unless they want to revert back to 1960s and 1970s Korea, they better watch themselves and how they act. They are certainly not looking out for the well-being of their citizens, that's for sure. In conclusion, as John Mayer sings:

Fathers, be good to your daughters

Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Something Borrowed, Something Red? Part III

'Tis the season and red is a traditional Christmas color (thanks to Coke at least). So why not cut yourself, spill some blood, and send a very special message to your favorite Korean idol? Come on, everyone's doing it. Well, at least three crazy mother fuckers are. The latest is for FT Island front man and 'You are Beautiful' star Lee Hongki. Personally, I don't see his appeal, but then again, I didn't see the appeal with the last two. If I were to ever do it, I'd go for someone like Lee Junki or Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but that's just me. I feel like it's the same retard doing it over and over again, trying to provoke a response from different stars. Or maybe it's a new trend, like sky diving or stamp collecting. Whatever the reason, and whoever they may be, I wonder why no female idols have been targeted. Are men less crazy than women? Well obviously yes, but Korean boys and girls are certainly the exception in many ways. Perhaps Lee Hyori and Jessica are just not blood-worthy. What I'd really like to know is whatever happened to those good-old-fashioned death threats? I mean when you saw blood you immediately thought 'death' not 'undying love'. One more of these letters and we are going to have to call Kevin Costner to protect the Korean male idols from crazy stalker fans. Whitney is just going to have to hit the back burner for a while.

Something Borrowed, Something Red? Part II

Well, it's the gift that keeps on giving. Yep, that's right: it's blood! It sort of reminds me of Ren and Stimpy and the whole stint of Log. First it was 2PM's beastly heart-throb Taecyeon and the letter written with a fan's period blood. Now it's time to move from the joys of womanhood and reproduction to the even greater joys of suicide and death. Yay! MBLAQ member, Lee Joon, received his own shout out from a fan who decided to try and one up 2PM fans with a letter to her beloved Lee Joon written in blood she obtained by slitting her wrist. The letter wrote: "Lee Chang Sun (real name) don't forget me, you are everything to me. I love you. Remember that. XX" Now that, ladies and gentleman, is love... or complete and utter crazy bullshit. You say potato~ Again, I won't show the picture of her doing said deed, but you can find that picture here at allkpop. Rock on motherfucking crazy Korean fans, rock on!

Movies not yet Garnished with a DVD

This awesome movie was released in 1996 on NBC, not in theaters. Apparently, it was supposed to be released in theaters but they couldn't find a distributor. For those who don't know this Tori Spelling flick, it is none other than "Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?" With a name like that how couldn't it be a success? But wait, it get's better. Wikipedia summarizes the movie, in my personal and professional opinion, quite righteously: "Laurel (Spelling) discovers that her new boyfriend Kevin (Sergei) is a serial killer, and must escape the mountain cabin in which he is holding her captive by paddling down a river in a canoe at dusk." Anyone else enticed by this film? All I can say is this: Danger Tori Spelling! Danger! The film was never released on DVD, despite Tori Spellings profuse campaign to have it released on DVD in 2004. According to those [5] die-hard Tori Spelling fans out there, this was her best performance yet! Whoa Nelly! Better than "A Friend to Die For/ Death of a Cheerleader" or the cult-classic, "Awake to Danger"? That is certainly debatable!

Movies I Remember

I remember this movie, if for no other reason than because so much stuff happened in only 87 minutes. Can I get a wut wut?!

Maria von What's-her-Face

Christmas is my favorite time of the year! I could actually careless about Christmas Day; it's the season that tickles my Elmo red! Not only that, but lot's of decorations, pretty lights, and most of all, music. I do love me some Christmas carols, be them traditional or breakaway pop hits. I am even spreading the holiday cheer and sending out [a limited amount of] Christmas cards! If you are a lucky recipient of one of my Christmas cards (holiday cards for you boring, non Christmas celebrators out there), then yay! If not, then you better try your darndest to win my love and affection for next year! It's like Survivor, American Idol, The Weakest Link, and all those other dumbass shows where there is only one winner. But in my Christmas Card Game, there are multiple winners! I am even spreading the Christmas cheer to the children I tutor. Last night we made paper stockings, festively decorated with PikaClause and all! It also helps that I drugged myself before going last night, but that's a whole other story!

Today's story is about some of my favorite things [at the moment]. If you don't have favorite things, then you have either (a) not thought hard enough, (b) not been loved enough as a child, (c) a retard, or (d) all of the above. The first thing on my list is Korean music that contains pretty, and often entertaining, boys. Girls are fun, from time to time, but can be way too annoying with their 오빠아아아~ and their 'I'm simply more beautiful than everyone else out there'. Boys, on the other hand, besides having it going on, they are more personable, make us laugh more often, and are so not frontin' on my pride. Plus they know that if they step out of line they get a hand to the back of the head [or whatever blunt object is lying around]. Not to mention, they are quite nice to look at.

Another one of my favorite things is coffee flavored drinks [like that isn't obvious], but not for the obvious reasons. I enjoy said drinks because they make me look cool. We all want to look cool, but not everyone can. People lack the personal will to look cool; they only think 'I want to look cool' but never follow through. The key to my success: I follow through and actually drink coffee. I don't just think 'I should drink coffee' I go out and actually drink the coffee. That's what separates me from everyone else, well except the others who drink coffee.

Perhaps one of the more underrated favorite things that I do not often talk about is apple pie. Man, I sure do love me some apple pie. Not only that, I like apple pie with fresh vanilla ice cream. Apple pie is not something that needs to be fucked up with a lot of extras, like powder and pretty flowers and chocolate. No, apple pie's taste is in the simplicity of it: apple pie and vanilla ice cream. Anything more and you've ruined it. And if you ruin apple pie, you don't deserve to live. And if you don't deserve to live, well, there's a reason we haven't filled in the Grand Canyon with concrete and built apartment complexes and a mall over it. At an equal level to apple pie is the color purple, not to be mistaken with the book and/or movie with the same name [I'm strictly referring to purple, the color]. More men should wear this color, and not just the pretty ones in the Korean boy bands, though they do wear it better than anyone else I've ever seen so guys do have rather big shoes to fill with that one.

In conclusion, Christmas is an amazing time of year. There are just so many good things about it! If you don't love Christmas, then you don't love life. And well, if you don't love life, you know where to go... that's right, the Grand Canyon.