Holy Twisted Fate Batman, We're in a Boat!

So 60 or so fans fainted over the weekend at the Big Bang concert. I am trying hard to figure out why. I mean, I guess I can kind of see how fans get so enamored by stars that they feel as if they are connected to them in some way, but I don't see Lady Gaga's fans mailing period blood stained notes to her, or fainting at her concerts simply because they see her. This reminds me of a very special episode of 'Will & Grace' when Jack finally is exposed to Kevin Bacon as Kevin Bacon's stalker. In America, stalkers may be thought of as scary contraptions of people, but compared to Korea, a stalker is a welcome sign of relief. We think paparazzi is evil; nothing quite prepares anyone for a rushing onslaught of teen girls (and in some cases boys). Stalker culture in America takes a backseat to fan culture in Korea. Regardless, though, I'm still trying really hard to figure out why 60 fans fainted. Are their lives so void of meaning outside of Big Bang that they are affected by simply the presence of the star? I went to the concert over the weekend, and interestingly I was not the only guy there. To me, it looked more like a party than a pop concert, and Big Bang treated it more like a party than a pop concert. I've also been to a DBSK concert where I saw fans fainting and being carried out of the stadium. Either way, the way Korean fans attach themselves to their stars by all accounts is psychologically, and now physically, unhealthy.

In other news, I would like to know who exactly are the 'Korean netizens'. My impression of netizens, from back in my heyday as one living in America, were the otaku guys with too much time on their hand. Case and point: comic book guy from The Simpsons. But in Korea, I think of Korean netizens as synonymous with these fans, because that's where most my interests lie. But here we are, in the year 2010, and we are talking about how Korean netizens are angered over how one of the Japanese girls (Rie Akiba) from that retarded foreign girls talk about how to get guys and how beautiful they are and how idiotic and absent minded and blah blah blah (obviously I harbor some distaste for this show and its foreign girls), how she was asked about Korean politics from a Korean newspaper and her answers were apparently not all that savvy. First of all, what is a Korean newspaper doing asking a Japanese girl from a TV show about Korean politics, especially Dokdo? I mean, it's like Jerry Springer, because you know that these 'Korean netizens' are going to take anything she says and overreact, because that's what 'Korean netizens' do. To be honest, her answer was nothing special, and she was quite careful to avoid the big ass hole that is Korean politics, but she still managed to anger Korean netizens. So this begs the question, who exactly are Korean netizens, and why do they care? Are they so invested in what some Japanese girl on some retarded TV show says about Korean politics (who admits herself she is a novice to the field) that they are up in arms over it?

I feel as if no matter what anyone says about anything in Korea, Korean netizens, whoever they may be, will find some way to be angry over it. Korea, as I always have said, suffers from a Mommy problem because they find themselves always thinking they need to be on the defense because they believe everyone is out to get them: Korea is one big conspiracy theory. I mean even Mel Gibson is looking this way and saying 'I ain't touching that mess'. We all love Korea, in the way we love our crazy Aunt Harriet, but we don't always want to have to convince it that the world is not out to get it because that takes a lot of time and energy, and frankly, it never listens. I figure if we can start with entertainment, change that, then we can change Korea as we know it. I've learned something valuable, or completely pointless depending on how you view it, while living in Korea: Koreans, much more than any other people I've encountered, place more emphasis, value, and time/money/life in entertainment/pop culture than they do anything else. Sure, family values are important and loving God is good and all, but never have i witnessed such an affinity for television regularity, music influence, and all that is 'the entertainment world' than what I have witnessed here. Granted, Korea is significantly smaller than many of the other places I've been, and most people are concentrated in Seoul, but it is still quite something. I wonder, is Korea the future or the distant past?

Special Provisions in Idiocy

Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling, jing-jing-jing-a-loo! Oh Christmas time, it's my favorite time of year for oh so many reasons. The lights, the gifts, the snow, and the controversy! Nothing says 'Merry Christmas' quite like a card with birds on it and Kpop scandals! It's just been a shit year for Korea's music industry, filled with scandals, crap music, and death. At the center seems to be SM Entertainment (my personal fav.). First it was DBSK, where three of the members grew a brain and demanded to be released from their contracts. Then it was Kangin from Super Junior getting into a bar fight and then driving drunk. And now it's Hankyung, the Chinese member of Super Junior. He is basically claiming the same ignorance as the three members of DBSK, arguing his contract is extremely unfair and that SM Entertainment is a slave worker. Well, uh duh. I remember writing about this before and how we all knew the inner workings of SM Entertainment back in the late 90s with H.O.T., SES, and Shinhwa. All I have to say is this: you knew what you were getting yourself into when you signed the contract. And if you didn't, that's your own fault. Too many people in the world want to be famous and an entertainer, and once they are, they think they are somehow superior and better than the rest of us lowly peons. The problem is, just because you become famous doesn't necessarily make you any smarter, especially not any smarter than me. If I, a lowly 25 year old American boy can figure out that the contracts of most the Korean entertainment industry are unfair and should be retooled, then what does that say about those actually signing the contract?

You know, I love the Korean singer Ivy. I love her not because she is sexy, even though she is, or she makes fun music, because she does. I love her because she speaks her mind. She told a room full of students from her alma mater that if you can't sing, don't become a singer, because it's just wasted space. How right she is. Dreams of making it big should really only apply to those with talent to make it big. Now yes, this would negate about 85% of the Korean music industry, 75% of the Japanese music industry, and roughly 50% of the American music industry, but let's face it kids, sometimes you just have to say enough's enough. Now I wouldn't particularly care so much if people without talent ran around and were famous and whatnot, but when things like this happen that's when I just want to be like 'dude, the Wizard can only give you so much of a brain; you need something to start from first.' Hankyung was apparently only 17 when he signed the contract, and there are many more out there signing contracts at much younger ages than 17 (oh Shinee, I love you). Korea's mommy problem strikes again, as not only do parents not really do actual parenting, but now they are allowing their children to just sign their lives away for 13 +years without second thought. "Hello? Social Services? Yes, I'd like to report a case of child slavery."

Honestly, Hankyung should grow a pair, admit he was a dumbass, and pay his time. Think of it like prison for the dumb. If you are dumb enough to sign the contract in the first place (or have parents who are that dumb), then you are subjected to 13 years of hard labor as a Korean entertainer. I rather not quote John Mayer again, but seriously, people need to wise up, and parents especially need to stop signing these contracts. I feel like Korean schools need to offer a new class is the Korean Entertainment Industry so that the kids won't just blindly sign their futures away. All in all, though, Hankyung isn't even Korean, he has no Korean citizenship, and so really he could just be all 'I quit' and move back to China and let that be that. Why he is dragging this through mud and courts is beyond me.

Pleasure or Pain?

You know, I've been doing the whole kpop thing for a while now and I learned pretty early on that nothing will ever cease to amaze me. Call me a pessimist, but I prefer the more philosophically correct term 'realist' to categorize my outlook on this industry. From 15 year old retards kicking out a Korean American for, well, telling the truth to all of a sudden realizing that a song that has been out for months is no good for children to now an upheaval of god only knows what of drama and money between artist and company, this Korean music industry is certainly looking like its crumbling into a state of blasphemy. I mean seriously, we have Kay Perry singing about her lesbianic tendencies, country singers claiming erotic attraction to tractors, and Alanis Morissette being, well, Alanis Morissette and Korea bitches over Ivy wanting to be touched and G-Dragon feeling all broken-hearted. Dare we call Korea reactionary? We do dare and I do call because seriously there seems to be little left in the industry to foster any type of serious music. I love Korea and I've always loved their music, but i feel as if we need to start marching in unison saluting some statue of Park Chung Hee with a Hitler-esque mustache wearing a Siberian winter coat. This is how far we've progressed, or rather how far we've digressed. It's like that quote from "Will & Grace": 'He's gotten so gay he's wrapped back around to straight.'

But should I really be surprised? Of course not. Because as long as we are human we will find new ways to screw ourselves, not to mention the people around us, in ways we didn't know were possible. Case and point. Three of the members of DBSK claim their contracts with SM Entertainment are unfair and they want to break the contract so they can, wait for it wait for it, yes, that's right, go to China and become investors in beauty products. Now I've seen some pretty dumb investments in my life, and I've heard some pretty outrageous stories about dumb celebrities (need I post pictures of a bald Britney and Kayane on stage showing he can own a middle schooler?), but to break a contract over beauty products in China is pretty idiotic, even for Britney and Kayane. I can see it now, both of them looking at each other saying in unison "I ain't going near that shit." So they claim an unfair contract because of its length: 13 years. Now, in all fairness, 13 years is an extremely long period of time and much can happen in that period of time: People can come of age, people can watch their pets get old and die, grandpa can run over the neighbors cat by accident, and yes, Michael Jackson can rise from the dead and bring salvation to this land. I don't dispute that 13 years is too long for a musical contract. However, to realize this 5 years after they sign the contract begs the question: What exactly have they been smoking for the last 5 years to have not realized this sooner? Now sure, recreational drugs from time to time, like alcohol intake, can be enjoyable if done in moderation and done responsibly. But seriously, every day for 5 years... I think we should get the three of them to a hospital and checked up to make sure they haven't completely fried their brain. Even Courtney Love takes a break from time to time to, you know, have a child or do an interview on Leno or something. And why only the three members? Were the other two not good enough for the dope and booze? Were they not good enough for China? Were they too beautiful already?

The moral of the story is simple boys and girls: Don't go to China to invest in beauty products. Well, the real moral of the story is that there is no moral of the story because I haven't really told a story. All I've really done is bitch and moan about a subject that has been in the kpop news recently. It tickles me to see fans threatening SM Entertainment and these companies for the misfortunes of their artists simply because they forget the first rule of fight club: you do not talk about fight club. Like Sarah Michelle Gellar correctly pointed out in "Cruel Intentions": 'Everyone does it, you just don't talk about it.' It's like a 'secret society' for the clueless Selma Blair, but really its simply an industry that is much older than most the people consuming its products. Ask any H.O.T. fan how music business is done and they'll tell you: behind closed doors without the input of the artist. Everyone knew this way back when, so why claim ignorance now? Artists know what they are signing up for, just like strippers know that when they become a stripper they have to take off their clothes. It's a lot like that. The kpop industry is a lot like stripping: Lots of clothes must come off before any real money can be made. Hell ask Bi, he get's a bag of cash every time his shirt comes off.

Really, everyone just needs to wake up and listen to the coffee.